I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera... what's it look like? "
I got a roommate. I live in New York City. I got roommate to save money. But, see, I fucked up cuz I'm 31 and I'm too old for a roommate. I fucked up severely. I signed a year lease, too. I really fucked up. It's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year. My roommate says, "I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"
I drank some boiling water... cause I wanted to whistle...
If you lost your wallet, it's hard to dance. Hey I just lost my wallet but, hey this song is funky... fuck it... that shit's no good... this is a cd called "hit and miss"...
I got a robe... it's not a robe really it's just a towel that fits me.
My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got halfway. She's an actress, she's just never called to the set.
On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the fuck did you get that banana at?'
Shaving Toe Lyrics performed by Mitch Hedberg are property and copyright of the authors, artists and labels. You should note that Shaving Toe Lyrics performed by Mitch Hedberg is only provided for educational purposes only and if you like the song you should buy the CD